did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
