I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
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