I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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