and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
