How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
