She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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