You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
