and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
You're so nebulous sometimes
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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