he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
They have beer where we have blood.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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