Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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