You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i think my cat just said my name.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
