He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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