I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
even my farts smell like vagina
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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