When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
