We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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