I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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