my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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