apparently the secret to your success is patron
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
