I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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