is your mom at the bar?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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