Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
