guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
