just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
