I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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