Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
