i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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