bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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