She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
