tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
