Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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