Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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