I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
