I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Congratulations! We have a period
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
