it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
