And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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