; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
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I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
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Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize