Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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