My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
