im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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