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dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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