I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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