I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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