she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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