toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
