i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
