People in love make me want to vomit
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
