I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
