News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
