i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
