u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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