you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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