I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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