Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
