You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
