Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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