why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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